


For you

by sherllycolmpels



Series: Letters to John [8]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Declarations Of Love, Depressed Sherlock, Drug Use, Drugs, Episode: s03e03 His Last Vow, Heartbreak, Heartbroken Sherlock, Letter, M/M, References to Drugs, Sherlock is a Mess, Sherlock is high, Tragic Romance, Unrequited Love, hearkbreaking, sherlock holmes drug use, sherlock is in pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 04:01:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10891287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherllycolmpels/pseuds/sherllycolmpels
Summary: The letter Sherlock wrote to John right before he was sent to a death mission after shooting Magnussen.





	For you

Dear John,

I crossed a line I’ve never thought I would. I killed a man. I killed a man to ensure your safety. I did it for you. Because I couldn’t let a death threat to hang over your head, and over the head of your loved ones. Charles Augustus Magnussen found my only exception. He found you. Because I would do such a thing only for you, John Watson. Because you don’t only rule my mind, my John, you also rule my entire body, heart and soul.

I’m going to a death mission, but I’m not going to die there. Oh no, my dear Watson, I won’t get to that destination. My plans are much more urgent and fatal. I’m going to kill myself much before I’d get there, much before that. And with nothing other than my old friends. But before I’m gone for good, there’s thousands of things I want to tell you, my dear. Words are not enough to describe my love for you, my John, but I’d try to pour some things from my aching heart, even though I know you’d never feel even half those feelings back. Even though I know you’d rather go and be with any other person on that planet rather than me, John. Because why would you even contemplate being with a broken man like me?

My feelings for you, my John, my emotions - are destructive. They destroyed me to my core. I built my whole mind palace around you and our time together and now it’s crushing around me, suffocating me, choking me, betraying me… Because even in there, down deep there, you prefer her. You never chose me. My mind can’t construct this idea anymore.

But I’ve got a problem, John, my dear John. My darling, my love, my everything - There’s no more Sherlock without you. There’s no more want in me to be part of this world if you’re not by my side, John, even if partially. I’m writing you these words in vain, in heartbreak and pain, while tears are flooding down my face and blur my entire vision, because it’s so hard to face that I won’t be able to ever see you again in a few days. I’d no longer be able to fantasize about your touch, to be intoxicated by your smell and to be perplexed by the integrity of your jumpers. I won’t be able to pretend your blogs posts about our time together are just as romantic as I want to believe they are. I won’t be able to compose you any more love poems and I won’t be able to hold a smaller version of you. I won’t be able to adore such a creature. Would you call your child after me? Would you bring me the honor of knowing there’s a Sherlock Watson in this world, even if it’s not me? Oh, John, how I wish it was me.

The only reason I’m still alive, John, is because I can’t do this to you again. I can’t take my life and leave you like I did back then. I can’t let you know that I’m going to take my life away, but this time for real. I wait for our last goodbyes. This time, I’ll let you say your goodbyes properly. We’d say our goodbyes properly. I’m going to let you believe I’m going to some mission, but won’t let you a reason to wait for me. You wouldn’t wait for me anyways, I know you wouldn’t. Not when you’re having your own family. I wish I could be your family, but I wasn’t enough. I could never be enough. Not for you, John Watson, the bravest, kindest, smartest, brightest human being I had the good fortune of knowing.

I’m a dead man walking. I’m broken and in pain, so much pain. But let me tell you this one last thing, John Watson, my conductor of light – With all the pain and heartbreak, with all those unreturned emotions and all those unstoppable suffocating feelings – I’d do it all over again. I’d do it all over again for you.

\- I’ll always be yours,

Sherlock

**Author's Note:**

> I've had a really bad day and decided it's a wonderful opportunity to turn my sorrow and pain into a fic. 
> 
> I really hope you guys like it, and if you do - please let me know by leaving kudos/comments! You guys have no idea how happy it makes me seeing this validation xx


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